The Weight We Carry: Redefining Purpose When the Plan Fails
In the fresh produce industry, we are experts at “showing up.” We show up for the harvest, we show up for the trade shows, and we show up for our teams. But in 2022, during my first year as a Clean Eating Challenge (CEC) mentor, I was forced to show up while my internal world was fracturing.
A genetics team had just diagnosed me with Myotubular Myopathy, an extremely rare disorder. Suddenly, my dreams of being a mother were replaced by data points, doctors, and grueling cycles of IVF.
Behind the Scenes of “Healthy”
While I spent my days encouraging others to find their healthiest selves, I was privately struggling to even recognize the woman in the mirror. My reality became a relentless cycle of seven unsuccessful rounds of IVF, each one ending in a fresh layer of heartbreak. The physical toll was just as heavy as the emotional one; my body was constantly flooded with fertility drugs, leading to significant weight gain that made me feel like a stranger in my own skin. Just when I thought I couldn’t be pushed any further, the start of my third year with CEC brought a long-awaited pregnancy, only to have it followed by the devastating pain of a miscarriage.
How do you motivate others when you feel like you are collapsing? I found myself at my highest recorded weight – sluggish, exhausted, and carrying a heaviness in my heart that no clean eating challenge could lift.
Choosing Health as a Form of Healing
There is a specific kind of “brave” required to walk away. I remember the moment two years ago this month that I decided to stop infertility treatments; it was a messy, confusing mix of profound sadness and a tiny spark of excitement. I realized that while I couldn’t control my genetic map or the outcome of IVF, I could finally choose to prioritize the body that had endured so much.
Over the last two years, I have lost 55 lbs and regained my physical vitality. But the scale only tells half the story. Reclaiming my health wasn’t just about a number on the scale or nutrition; it was about grieving the life I thought I would have and courageously defining a new purpose.
You Are Not Alone
In our industry, we often keep our personal “behind the scenes” hidden. We hide the exhaustion and the grief behind a professional smile. If you are reading this and you feel overwhelmed by a life that looks nothing like you planned: know that you are not alone.
Prioritizing your health doesn’t mean you stop grieving. It means you are giving yourself the strength to carry that grief forward.
I am here to listen. No judgment, just a peer who knows what it’s like to feel lost and the hard work it takes to find yourself again.
